


got me losing every breath

by jaemrenj



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Fluff, M/M, and it shows, jaemren, renmin, vvvv self indulgent
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-02
Updated: 2019-03-02
Packaged: 2019-11-07 20:52:14
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,734
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17967851
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jaemrenj/pseuds/jaemrenj
Summary: Jaemin has doubts. Chenle and Jisung saves the day. Sorta.





	got me losing every breath

**Author's Note:**

> honestly.. wrote this when i was supposed to be doing a paper due for zero reason at all and this is the first i'm ever writing?? something?? and it had to be for jaemren too???? mayhaps i rlly have lost it fellas :'( anw, as the tags say, this is very self indulgent honestly i dont even want to reread it so there might be mistakes and i'm sorry for that ehe ANYWAY, here we go.  
> um...i dont know what this is.. im sorry.. if anyone does stumble upon this fic.. im really sorry..

Jaemin has grown accustomed to normally not having his affection reciprocated especially within school grounds and just generally in public by Renjun who had made it clear during the early days of their relationship that public displays of affection are a no-no with some exceptions being 1.) linking of arms but not hands 2.) arms around the shoulders closely resembling a bro-we-are-a-family hug. Its not that Renjun’s a homophobe, god no, Jaemin find that he’s just really awkward when it comes to receiving affection where everyone can see in general and he’s still slowly easening up on relationships as he has never been in one and the first time that he does it’s with him, someone he’s known for half his life. Which should have been easier because it’s Jaemin! And they’ve always been affectionate with each other although often in public but especially so when it’s just the two of them and with their friends, but as Renjun says, _‘it’s just different ok? Because this time every action I make has corresponding meanings and--’_ before groaning into Jaemin’s shoulder in frustration to which Jaemin would console him and say that it’s fine and Renjun promising to be better for him. And obviously, there goes Jaemin’s whipped ass falling harder for Renjun.

But the past few days are different. Jaemin can’t exactly pinpoint why or how it’s different but it just is. When he attempts to find out, what he usually comes up with is the fact that Renjun’s more closed off than ever, one time when Jaemin tries to link their hands he swears Renjun for a second freezes. He tells Donghyuck this but he’d only laugh and reassure him that he’s just probably looking into it. And their date nights, which is really just of them studying, gets less and Jaemin should understand because being an Animation student requires a lot of time alone that should allow for better visualizing and Renjun’s a perfectionist and Jaemin would hate himself if his presence and his clingy ass would distract his boyfriend. With these in mind, the creeping doubt of whether or not Renjun still feels the same way as he does worsens and before he completely loses his mind, he consults someone he’s unsure can help him but whose words have always been comforting. That and because Renjun's close friends with him.

“Chenle!” Jaemin’s laced it with an even more unbearable tone that Chenle visibly scowls and even makes an attempt to turn around before Jaemin literally jumps on him, holding him ground, “You haven’t forgotten, have you?”

“I sort of want to” the younger responds, prying jaemin’s hands off of him.

“You promised you’d help me!” Jaemin shakes Chenle and the latter’s frown only deepens and the prying done forecefully that Jaemin let goes eventually, “Not to be a drama queen, but i’m literally dying, Chenle. And you’re the only one that can help me”

“I'm flattered you came to me but I sometimes do not understand Renjun-hyung himself so I may not be the help you need” Chenle looks at him apologetically and Jaemin could’ve cried if he’s not determined to get his answers. Grabbing Chenle by the shoulders and looking at him square in the eye he says, pauses in between words to give emphasis his desperation to just get to the bottom as to why his boyfriend is being scarily distant,

“You. Are. Exactly. The. Help. That. I. Need. Because. Renjun. Loves. You. Probably. More. Than. He. Loves. Me. Which. Now. Sounds. Painful. Saying. It. Out. Loud.. Oh. My. God. I. just. Unconsciously. Made. Myself. Sad-"

“Hyung, I get it. I’m going to help you and no, he does not love me more than he loves you, stupid” Normally, Jaemin would have pinched Chenle’s cheeks as a sort of punishment for calling him names but this time, he can’t be on the child’s bad side so he ignores the beaming smile Chenle has on his face and just tells him to follow him to the lawn.

“Has Jisung said anything to you?”

“Not much that can help, to be honest. He’s only mentioned of how Renjun tells him that it’s getting harder to continue to finish his project and he’s freaking out because what if he goes on artist block” Chenle’s taken his sandwich out and Jaemin finds himself cooing and reaching for Chenle’s cheeks but the younger manages to dodge his already formed to pinch his cheek hands so Jaemin, defeated, asks him the next question.

“Has he said anything about why he couldn’t finish his project? Like, because he’s conflicted about whether he’s breaking up with me or not? Because we’re friends and it would ruin our friendship that it's harder that he does?”

“Hyung, chill. Even for just a sec. Relax and breathe” and with that, Jaemin does close his eyes and thinks of Renjun. He feels his eyes getting wet at the thought that when he’s asked to relax, it’s Renjun he immediately thinks of. The same guy he’s very much inlove with but also the same guy causing him to panic at the very moment.

“Renjun loves you okay? And yes, he’s not very keen on showing it, but we all see that he does love you. In his own way. And besides, they’re like very tight with Jisung right now and if he's mentioned anything I'm pretty sure I'd know and I'm pretty sure I'd tell you too. But he hasn't, and while I understand where you're coming from, I assure you that Renjun-hyung still feels the exact same way that you do for him”

Jaemin only looks at Chenle. Drinking in his words, trying his best to make it calm him. But try as he might, the worry is still there but he doesn’t say anything regarding it anymore. Instead he grabs Chenle’s hand that’s been holding his sandwich and brings it to his mouth as he has never taken a bite ever since he’s taken it out, “You sure know a lot don't you?”

“You could always talk to him, you know that right?” Talking. Yikes. He pictures he and Renjun in the same spot they're in right now, overlooking the track and field and Jaemin opening it up that ends up with him alone, gives him the chills. Scares him too. Which should be wrong because as the old saying goes, communication is key. But with things like this adding up to his doubts, he really can’t talk if he’s convinced that what he’s pictured will play right before his eyes.

“I know. And I will. Just not now. Like you said, maybe it’s just his project”

Jaemin wishes he believes himself.

 

 

The day ends relatively slow but the second the bell rings, Jaemin wishes that it went slower because he honestly cannot face Renjun, cannot walk him home, suddenly hating that they live close to their school and not needing to live in dorms, when he has these intrusive thoughts that by the second just consumes him, leaving him close to a breakdown.

“Jaemin?” And there he is. Huang Renjun. Eyebrows meeting, lips pursed in worry. “Are you okay?”

It’s honestly tragic how as soon as Renjun throws him the question he crumbles and stands up to hug Renjun.

“Hey, babe. You okay?”

 _Babe_ … Jaemin breaks off the hug and looks at Renjun and even with the tears blurring his sight, he manages to catch the pink in Renjun’s cheeks.

“Did something happen today? Was it the quiz?” Renjun pulls away from Jaemin’s hold, obviously forcing out a cough and honestly, Jaemin is so confused.

“It’s- it’s not that. I just.” Jaemin takes another look at Renjun and although his facials still indicate he’s worried, his eyes won’t meet his and Jaemin finds himself just wanting to go home, “I’m fine, Jun. I guess I just need to go home.”

“home?” Renjun repeats and jaemin, on good days, would repeat it, mocking Renjun and his confused tone, but he catches at how crestfallen Renjun looks that he then remembers, “Date night! Right! God how can I be so stupid!”

“Ah, it’s fine, Jaems. Maybe another time, then?” If Renjun tries to conceal his sadness then he’s not trying hard enough.

“Jun, it’s fine! Let’s go! Right now! I’m also famished, maybe this is what I needed” Jaemin hurriedly packs his things but Renjun just stops him,

“Jaems, let’s just go home?”

Jaemin pauses, nodding slowly and closing up his bag before swinging it over his shoulder, “I’m sorry I forgot”

“hey, it’s fine. I need to work on the project too anyways. You know, deadline and all” Renjun gives him a reassuring smile before turning back to start walking towards the door and Jaemin is sure as hell that it’s not fine and he’s already expecting a night filled with regrets.

“I’ll make it up to you okay?” Jaemin tells him when he's caught up with his boyfriend.

“You better” Renjun nudges him playfully, the sadness gone, maybe even the disappointment too, and just like that, Jaemin feels some of the weight he’s been carrying all week lift now that he’s seeing Renjun in this state.

“Jaems, can I walk you home this time?” It’s not the first time Renjun’s done this before, offering to walk him home. It’s just not something Jaemin was expecting with his current state.

“Why?”

“What do you mean why? I cant walk my boyfriend home?” My boyfriend. Renjun’s pouting. Jaemin’s getting more confused.

“You sure you want to? What about your project?”

“How long does it take for me to get back after dropping you off, a decade?” Jaemin should be scared that this will turn into a mini fight but he just can’t with the look on Renjun’s face already on the verge of annoyance. For some reason, he’s happy so he just pulls the smaller into his arms and apologizes,

“Fine. You can walk me home. Now don’t be mad anymore”

What he doesn’t expect is for Renjun to look up to him, a pout already forming in his lips, “I just really want to walk you home, Jaems”

If Jaemin wasn’t this vulnerable, he would’ve been able to prepare himself for this but he’s been conflicted the whole day and a week prior to that and to see this sudden flip, Jaemin’s not sure how he reacted but when Renjun yet again pulls away from him with his hand rubbing his forehead, he assumes he's kissed that spot and he also knows he’s done something against the rulebook.

“You need to get home fast, Na.” Renjun mutters and links his arms with his. Jaemin's never felt more excited to do so.

 

The walk to Jaemin’s home is unlike of what happened earlier, calm and just questions about how each other’s days went thrown to each other. It is how their walks normally go so Jaemin only feels contented.

When they arrive at Jaemin’s front door, there’s a sudden awkwardness that Jaemin’s not too sure only he feels with the way that Renjun is again, avoiding eye contact.

"Text me?” Renjun manages to say and he’s biting his lip as he says this, still not meeting his gaze.

Jaemin places his hand on Renjun’s forehead and then on his neck, “You’re not sick, right?”

“I might be if you keep standing there and make me stand in the cold for longer” Jaemin tsks. Why does his boyfriend have to be ready for a diss battle all the damn time?

“Fine, I’m going in. I’ll text you. Eat dinner, ok?” He receives a nod and Jaemin looks at him one more second and after still not being met by his gaze Jaemin, disappointed, turns to enter his house only to be stopped by Renjun’s hand on his.

“Is something wrong, Jun?”

“I-nothing. I forgot”

“You sure?”

“Yeah. Sorry jaems. It’s getting cold, you better get in.”

Jaemin looks over at him once again and this time, Renjun smiles at him, squeezing his hand as some sort of goodbye.

“See you tomorrow, Jun.”

“I love you”

Does Renjun want Jaemin to actually get inside his house with the way he’s been impeding all his attempts to? Jaemin doesn’t know.

“What?”

“You suddenly deaf, Jaems?” If it isn’t obvious by now then clearly, at times, Renjun can be infuriating.

“What was that for?” Jaemin expected something snarky as a response but Renjun, for tonight doesn’t seem to be out of tricks,

“Because I do… you know.. love you”

Jaemin steps down and holds both his boyfriend's hands, warming them up and failing to not notice how his boyfriend's rather smaller hands look enclosed by his bigger ones, bringing his hands to his lips so he can kiss it, looking at Renjun and making sure the other is looking at him back, “I love you too Jun”

“God you’re so annoying. Goodnight, Jaems. See you tomorrow”

Jaemin doesn’t tone down his laugh as he watches as Renjun hurriedly leaves until he’s no longer in sight. If the whole week he’s been nothing but close to breaking down, tonight he feels exuberant and surer of how he’s damn inlove with Huang Renjun.

 

 

“Chenle, you were right. Renjun does love me!” Jaemin excitedly says, pinching Chenle’s cheeks excessively that the younger boy had to set unnecessary distance between them.

“Did you guys talk about it?”

Jaemin shakes his head, “No. but we did something better!”

Chenle scrunches up his nose in disgust and Jaemin fills up the already noisy hall with his boisterous laugh, “Not that, pervert!”

“What did you do then?”

“Nothing. Just the things that we usually do.” Jaemin says, beaming at the younger before giving him a hug, “You’re a lifesaver. I love you, Chenle”

“For the record, I didn't do anything. That was all you and Renjun-hyung but yeah. Guess I love you too”

“You guess?!” But before Jaemin can even manage to get Chenle to repeat it properly, the bell rings and for the second that Jaemin gets distracted, the younger has already gotten away of his hold.

 

If yesterday went by slow, then life might have pulled a sick joke on him and made today slower. As soon as they’re dismissed, he places all his belongings into his bag before realizing that Renjun could very well still be on his way to his room so he takes out some of the things and puts them back, only this time, at a relative pace.

“Did you seriously just put your things in only to take them out before putting them back in? _Again_?” Jaemin’s always wondered what it was like to be swallowed by the earth and today, he pleads the gods that his curiosity get the best of him. “When I said yes to being your boyfriend, I should’ve considered your weird tendencies”

Renjun shakes his head and takes the pencil case from Jaemin’s hand to put it inside his bag. “Let’s go?”

Jaemin’s not sure how long he stood there, looking at his boyfriend. Wondering why he ever thought that he didn’t love him, why he doubted his love for him when clearly, Renjun really does love him. He’s consumed again by his thoughts and his guilt that he pulls Renjun into a hug, he thinks he did rather harshly but with renjun easing up on the hug, he thinks he did okay.

“Is something bothering you?” Renjun says, voice muffled but still audible.

"Nothing, really. Just happy, I guess”

Renjun scowls feigning disgust, “You’re a sap, Jaems” 

“You love me for it, though” Jaemin’s sure this time, his boyfriend would be as much of a sap as he is. Renjun secretly is anyways.

“Not really, no” Jaemin stops dead in his tracks and stares at renjun in disbelief only to find the boy with the biggest goofy smile on his face.

"You’re lucky I love you enough to let this pass, Jun”

Renjun looks like he’s about to say something but he settles to shut his mouth and just walks over to Jaemin and grabs hold of his arm, linking their pinkies together, “You owe me a date, Jaems”

Jaemin’s not sure how he coped with that easily or if he suddenly did a jump in time when they’re suddenly in the same food park Jaemin asked Renjun to be his boyfriend because he has no recollection of how they got there without what happened earlier running through his mind. To check if he’s not dreaming, Jaemin looks down and sees that his and Renjun’s pinkies are still interlocked but that can’t be enough. He doesn’t think any of what’s happening is real and no, it’s not because he doesn’t think his boyfriend is capable but because it’s too much. It’s a lot to take in considering what he just went through, considering the emotional turmoil Jaemin’s been carrying for almost 2 weeks with Renjun’s sudden coldness. He feels bad he’s ever doubted Renjun when he understands so well how Renjun can be with public displays of affection and it gets him to think of how impatient he sometimes could be when things don’t go his way and--

“Jaems, are you okay?” Renjun looks just as worried as he looked yesterday and Jaemin inwardly tells himself to get it together because it’s date night with his boyfriend goddammit!

“Ah, yes! i.. just. Had a lot on my mind. Sorry Jun” he kisses his and Renjun’s hands and god, maybe Jaemin can live off of Renjun blushing because of him, “Let’s order?”

 

 

Renjun, although tired, insists that they walk home even when Jaemin tells him he can call his brother to pick them up but he succumbs to his boyfriend's request anyways but also because the night was beautiful and the moon looks glorious and he knows Renjun would love to walk under its glow, having the biggest interest in the celestial.

“You’re really too much sometimes, Jaems” Renjun suddenly says and Jaemin’s confused at what that could mean that he halts his steps and Renjun does as well, looking at him with this small knowing smile on his face that drives Jaemin crazy and even more confused,

“You love affection so much.. Your first option at any given moment is to show everyone the love you have for them.. It was a lot to get used to, considering my nature, that when you confessed, I couldn’t believe it at first” he chuckles, “It was hard to know if it was real you know? Because as I said, you were like that with everyone and I couldn’t pinpoint what was different,”

Renjun’s staring down at their pinkies, swinging them from time to time, Jaemin figures, is a way to ease his nerves. Something he should be doing too because honest to god, he does not have a single idea where this is coming from and where this is headed and Renjun’s still not finished and he just really wants to explode,

“But you understood and you gave me time, pursuing me to no end, and it’s when I saw how there’s not really much of a difference, you treated everyone the same and for some reason, I realized, I didn’t want to be treated differently. I liked that you gave your love the same way because I always thought that you can’t love two people equally, that someone will always reign over the other. But it’s with you that I realized that it is possible, to love everyone equally, show them they all meant the world to you. And it was only a matter of time for me to love that about you, love that you can love everyone so much, and it was only a matter of time for me to do the best decision I’ve ever made and be your boyfriend”

God. This has been the most that Renjun’s ever said and at this point, Jaemin feels like crying. If Renjun doesn’t shutup soon, he really might.

“I forgot what the point of this was, but I guess I’m just saying that yes, you’re too much, but I’m willing to be just as “too much” as you are and it’s not because it’s what I should do to be on par with you but because I love you and i want you to know that, through the language that you’re the most familiar with”

Renjun lifts jaemin’s chin up, urging him to look at him, and it takes all of Jaemin to not let the tears completely fall and blinks away those that are already threatening to.

“I could still get awkward and I could still not respond that well, but I love you and for now, when my actions don’t speak the same volume as yours, my love will just be as loud.”

Frankly, Jaemin expected a kiss but when he sees Renjun fumble for his bag and take out a box, he figures the kiss can wait when they have a lot of days for that.

“This isn’t much.. just something I thought should remind you of me and my love for you everyday when I’m not around and god, I don’t even know if it’ll fit or be too loose and huh.. maybe I should’ve listened to Jisung’s advice”

“Jisung’s advice?” Jaemin repeats. Not expecting to hear the boy’s name, curious as to exactly what advice he gave Renjun.

Renjun scratches the back of his head with the free arm that’s not holding the box, laughing amusingly at probably a memory of them both, “Yeah. I sort of asked what could be the best gift to give you and he said a lot of things and this is none of what he said but he did say to sneakily ask you what your fit is and now I’m regretting I didn’t take it”

Jaemin is confused again. Jisung and Renjun talks about this kinds of things? They’re both from the same strand, sure, and Chenle is his boyfriend, but… Chenle.. does he know about this? Or did he not? Or, did he know and didn’t tell Jaemin just so he realizes how stupid it was for him to worry so much? Chenle’s in for his infamous for being sickening clinginess when he sees him.

Renjun finally opens it and in it is a cartier bracelet, from one of Jaemin’s favourite brands and Jaemin hears bells ring and he really might say the WYMM words and god, if Renjun isn’t the one.

Jaemin looks at his boyfriend as he takes his arm and puts the bracelet on and he takes the other (god there’s another one just like his he really must be the one) to match his.

“It fits, right?” Renjun looks up at him, biting his lip in worry and maybe if Jaemin had not have enough willpower to try and not kiss him he already would’ve.

"Renjun..it’s perfect.. I”

"Oh, thank god I won’t have to hear jisung’s smug I told you so” Jaemin stares at Renjun, and it’s too dark but the light from the lampposts are enough for Jaemin to see the curve of his eyes, the small dimple that only shows on rare situations, this being one of them, and just overall how beautiful Renjun looks like this and Jaemin is so inlove and so sure of where Renjun stands in his life.

“I love you, Jun” This catches Renjun off guard that the smile goes away for a second and he looks at Jaemin surprisingly before it morphs into another one of his smiles, the dimple is there again, and Jaemin just really wants to kiss him, god let him kiss his boyfriend.

“You don’t have to do anything. I fell inlove with you even with your awkward tendencies at receiving and giving affection but you as my boyfriend is already enough of a language, Jun. I love you and your preference over private spaces, that you’d rather only want me as an audience to see how much you’re able to give out love as I do as well, and it sounds selfish, I know, but I love that you’re this way towards only me.”

“..Can I kiss you?”

Jaemin? He's not meditating, he could die, but, no. He’s mentally preparing for his first kiss with his boyfriend and hoping he doesn’t fuck things up and make it perfect.

Jaemin doesn’t verbally say yes, what with the many thoughts crossing his mind, but his actions does speak for him when he closes the gap between him and Renjun, his boyfriend tiptoeing to meet him halfway and when their lips finally meet, Jaemin can only feel what he knows now is the highest and purest level of bliss.

Their first kiss doesn’t last long but it’s one that will be kept in memory for a long long time. 

 

 

"Matching bracelets, matching smiles, matching grossness.. Great, now I have to deal with this much public display of affection." Jisung exclaims, eyeing Jaemin who's lying on the lawn with his head resting on Renjun's lap. Chenle's standing next to him, the smile he tries not to show failing for all of them to see. "Renjun-hyung, I hate to say this but... I was rooting for you"

"Shutup, Jisung" Renjun says and throws a pen his way and Chenle only laughs picking it up and throwing it back to where the rest of their pens are.

"You talk as if you didn't tell Injun to bake me a cake and have the bracelet inside it. You're gross yourself, Jisung" Jaemin teases and Jisung pauses to take into consideration what Jaemin said.

"Point taken. But whatever, I'm just happy you both are finally off our cases, you lovesick fools"

Renjun looks down at Jaemin to which he only mouths a,  _'Long story. Tell you later'_

Chenle and Jisung stay forawhile but leave soon after Chenle gets a message asking for his presence in the Met. Eng Hall. And Jisung, a lovesick fool himself, follows. 

"Jisung's whipped" Renjun says, his eyes still on both the boys' backs, smiling at Jisung who seems to be making attempts to ride on Chenle's back.

Jaemin gets up and observes them as well before his gaze is directed at Renjun whose side profile is the prettiest one he's ever seen, he knew that, but looking at him looking at Jisung and Chenle, fond at the love they share, Jaemin thinks his boyfriend looks even prettier, "Very much."

Renjun meets Jaemin's gaze, probably noticing that it's on him that Jaemin is looking at, and there it is again, the pink dusting on his cheeks and Jaemin finds it endearingly amazing at how shy his boyfriend immediately gets, can't even try and hide it.

"You're pretty, Jun."

Renjun freezes for a second before diverting his gaze at the lawn and up towards the sky and he just looks beautiful flushed and embarrassed and helpless at how he sometimes can be such an open book when showered with affection and not that Jaemin's having the time of his life but, yes. He is.

"You're teasing me" Renjun scrunches up his nose and hits the back of Jaemin's hand, not really putting too much force for it to hurt.

"But I mean it though? You're pretty, Jun. The prettiest, actually."

"You're all talk sometimes, Jaems. Kiss me if you really think I'm pretty"

Was Jaemin expecting that? Nope. And is it his turn to be embarrassed? Yes it is.

Renjun laughs before leaning towards him slowly, eyes never leaving his gaze that Jaemin gets scared for a second how he looks daring and turning the tables around and catching him by surprise that he visibly gulps. 

Renjun brushes the bangs away from Jaemin's eyes, "You're not so bad yourself, Na"

Renjun presses a kiss against his lips and it's sweet, and chaste and god, he could get used to this.. Jaemin finds his hands around his boyfriend's waist, his grip on them tightening as he kisses him harder and Renjun smiles against the kiss before chuckling as he pulls away all the while pressing slow kisses at his cheeks instead. Renjun has in his cheeks twin pink spots again and Jaemin thinks he's the most beautiful when he's flushed a deep red.

"Rulebook."

"But you kissed me first!" 

Renjun softly pats Jaemin's cheeks, "Now, I believe you and Chenle talked about something?"

**Author's Note:**

> WYMM - will you marry me :-))  
> @jaemrenj on twt wc isnt really the main twt but yah well.  
> there we go. my first jaemren fic, my first nct fic...


End file.
